The Best American Humor Short Stories by Oldiees Publishing

Author:Oldiees Publishing
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Oldiees Publishing
Published: 2015-07-21T00:00:00+00:00

4. THE EXACT SCIENCE OF MATRIMONY

PLAY AUDIO ▶

by O. Henry

Jeff Peters and Andy Tucker could never be trusted. One day, the two men decided to open a marriage business to make some quick and easy money. The first thing they did was to write an advertisement to be published in newspapers. Their advertisement read like this:

"A charming widow, beautiful and home-loving, would like to remarry. She is only thirty-two years old. She has three thousand dollars in cash and owns valuable property in the country. She would like a poor man with a loving heart. No objection to an older man or to one who is not good-looking. But he needs to be faithful and true, can take care of property and invest money with good judgment. Give address, with details about yourself. Signed: Lonely, care of Peters and Tucker, agents, Cairo, Illinois."

When they finished writing the ad, Jeff Peters said to Andy Tucker: "So far, so good. And now, where is the lady?"

Andy gave Jeff an unhappy look. "What does a marriage advertisement have to do with a lady?" he asked.

"Now listen," Jeff answered. "You know my rule, Andy. In all illegal activities, we must obey the law, in every detail. Something offered for sale must exist. It must be seen. You must be able to produce it. That is how I have kept out of trouble with the police. Now, for this business to work, we must be able to produce a charming widow, with or without the beauty, as advertised."

"Well," said Andy, after thinking it over, "it might be better, if the United States Post Office should decide to investigate our marriage agency. But where can you hope to find a widow who would waste her time on a marriage proposal that has no marriage in it?"

Jeff said that he knew just such a woman.

"An old friend of mine, Zeke Trotter," he said, "used to work in a tent show. He made his wife a widow by drinking too much of the wrong kind of alcohol. I used to stop at their house often. I think we can get her to work with us."

Missus Zeke Trotter lived in a small town not far away. Jeff Peters went out to see her. She was not beautiful and not so young. But she seemed all right to Jeff.

"Is this an honest deal you are putting on, Mister Peters?" she asked when he told her what he wanted.

"Missus Trotter," said Jeff, "three thousand men will seek to marry you to get your money and property. What are they prepared to give in exchange? Nothing! Nothing but the bones of a lazy, dishonest, good-for-nothing fortune-seeker. We will teach them something. This will be a great moral campaign. Does that satisfy you?"

"It does, Mister Peters," she said. "But what will my duties be? Do I have to personally reject these three thousand good-for-nothings you speak of? Or can I throw them out in bunches?"

Jeff explained that her job would be easy. She would live in a quiet hotel and have no work to do.

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.